These Books

I didn't get past the first line of the day 7 #verselove2019 challenge: 

What books nudged you as a reader? 

I did trace my hand on the page of my journal (boy, are some of my fingers crooked!), and I began filling it with the books my mom read to me, the ones I read during the year that influenced me the most (4th grade), and the books I read during adolescence. I listed such an absurd variety of texts, but I am so glad that those books allowed me to explore the world. The greatest gift my mom gave to me (other than my life, of course) is a love of reading. 

For more poetry inspiration, check out http://www.ethicalela.com/7-verselove2019-with-travis-crowder/

The Best Part of Me

The second #Verselove2019 inspiration/prompt called on writers to capture the best part of themselves. Boy, did I struggle with this one! I'm not very good at tooting my own horn, so to speak, but I'm working on that. 

I am sure of one strength - one that helps me connect with and care about my students: empathy. See this site for more poetry-writing ideas: http://www.ethicalela.com/two-verselove2019/ 

Sounds Like Home

Happy Poetry Month! I will do my best to write a poem each day this April; however, it will be difficult. I am already behind, but I will write 2-3 poems on days I can, and hey - any amount of writing is always better than none. I am writing this during reading (SSR) time in class, so please keep in mind that this is a quickly-scrawled draft. This is no masterpiece, but it means something to me today, in this moment. 

Please look for inspiration here: http://www.ethicalela.com/one-verselove2019/ #verselove

Instructions were to write about something good. I noticed, as I started drafting, that I had a lot of sound imagery, starting with my original first line "It might sound trite..." (which I crossed out), so I stuck with sounds. I might complete a series with other sensory imagery as well. The #verselove blog also suggested playing with dashes and repetition. I ended up with only one dash and a sprinkle of repetition. Thanks to all my family and friends for your sounds of laughter and love - I thought of many more people and examples than I had time to write about today.

Thanksgiving & Writing Holiday Poetry

As teachers, we must always remember not to assume anything about our students' vacations. Their experiences will vary greatly depending on religion, income, traditions, family structure, and at the high school level, many of our students work during weekends and holiday events like "Black Friday." If we ask them to use a holiday as inspiration for writing, it is important to think about how we word those prompts. We must make it safe not to have the common or "traditional" experience. With a holiday as controversial as Thanksgiving, we must make it safe for students to express a variety of feelings about the holiday itself, issues with family dynamics or lost loved ones, and other age-related topics ranging from sitting at the kids' table to worrying about the last round of college applications. Of course, in true workshop method, the best way to model sharing in a safe atmosphere is to write with your kids. This year, I decided to focus on how I felt about Thanksgiving at different points in my life. I would adapt this a bit for a student writing prompt, or - better yet - I would ask them for ideas.

Here's my poem inspired by Thanksgiving:

Review of Yellow Crocus with Minimal Spoilers

I can’t remember how I came across the novel Yellow Crocus by Laila Ibrahim except that I’m always searching for quality novels that portray both the diversity and unity of the human spirit that my students might enjoy reading. I also can’t remember how I came across a review for the novel while I was only about a quarter of the way through the book, but I noted that several people on Goodreads had given the book a low rating, citing “lack of torture” and the fact that “it depicts a white woman who cares about a slave” as negative aspects of the book. Because Yellow Crocus explores the lives of two strong female characters – one a wet nurse and mammy who is forced to give up what little she has to care for the other main character in her charge, I continued reading – ever mindful of whether or not the book glossed over slavery as “not so bad” as one reviewer put it.

That reader, and others like him, missed the entire point of the novel.

Though Mattie has no choice but to leave her own infant son behind in the slave quarters, raised by others, as she moves into the big house to nurse and then raise baby Lisbeth, she does love the innocent baby. She sings to her, soothes her when she’s sick, and carefully teaches her life lessons – ever mindful of her “place” in the house and in society. Critics who note the absence of torture seem to have missed every instance of how traumatic life was for the enslaved characters in the novel. Men have been tortured and murdered, and several knowingly risk their lives just to learn to read and write. Families are regularly torn apart at the whim of masters who sell their slaves to different owners. Even Mattie eventually risks her life to flee to freedom with her newborn daughter, and Lisbeth comes to find out that habitual rape of enslaved women by masters is just one reason why Mattie risks it all to escape. “Happy” people, as some reviewers called them, do not risk their lives to escape oppression. Strength and resiliency should never be mistaken for happiness. Perhaps some readers lack the empathy and emotional depth to understand the pain that enslaved people endure, and that sometimes focusing on the psychological torture is just as important as describing the physical.

The relationship between Mattie and Lisbeth is key in this novel, and Mattie plants the seeds that allow Lisbeth to grow into an abolitionist against her family’s wishes. We cannot underestimate the power that such real relationships had to change the course of this nation’s history. Lisbeth saw Mattie as a human being. She loved her “more than [her] own mama.” When we interact with people we’ve been told are “others,” we gain empathy. This is a healing novel, and though it does not provide a full picture of slavery or all experiences (no one book can do that, nor does this one claim to do so), it shows that change occurs when we build relationships based on our shared humanity. Laila Ibrahim provides a message of hope that we still need as we work to heal racial tensions. Mattie and Lisbeth note “the vast distance between us” even while looking into each other’s eyes, but their love and mutual respect forms an unbreakable bond. Acknowledging that such relationships existed does not negate the horrors of slavery at all. It does quite the opposite, in fact; we should feel horrified that anyone was ever complicit in such crimes against feeling, thinking people, and stand up against ongoing injustice. This isn't another story in which the white lady saves a black person (at least 3 movies come to mind). Mattie saves Lisbeth, to quote Titanic, "in every way a person can be saved." Beautiful.

Forty-four

This birthday was a difficult one for me - for reasons you'll read below. Lunch hall duty (in between active monitoring, of course) provided time for me to write through my feelings as I approached this milestone. I debated whether or not to share this highly personal journal entry, but ultimately, this is who I am at this moment, and I believe in the power of writing to work through difficult emotions. The process did prove cathartic, so I share as a reminder that writing works, and the harder it is to write about something, the more we need to do it. I'm not sure if what I ended up with is poetry, prose, or incoherent rambling, but here it is - raw and real. It needs revision and editing, but I'm not going to do it this time. What I wrote through glassy eyes between checking passers-by for their ID badges is what will remain.

Imposter Syndrome

The idea for the following poem came from a freewriting exercise during poetry club. My students and I listed all the things we were not, and I wrote "confident." This is the result of musing on that subject:

Imposter Syndrome
by Amber Counts, April 2018

Searching for symptoms on WebMD

Often results in one diagnosis:

I’m dying.

Most roads lead to cancer.

But what about psychological symptoms?

Patchwork quilting,

Ordered chaos.

Symptoms touch. Overlap.

But no cancer here.

Well, almost no cancer.

Though ailments may fester and grow

like cankerous sores on the psyche,

They often defy simple self-diagnosis.

Of one diagnosis, I am sure.

I suffer from “Imposter Syndrome.”

The symptoms?

• Perfectionism
• Overworking
• Undermining one’s own achievements
• Discounting praise
• Burnout
• Sleep deprivation

Common thoughts?

• “I must not fail.”
• “I feel inadequate.”
• “I got lucky.”

Traits?

• Diligence
• Giftedness
• Lack of display of confidence

Despite any amount of evidence of their successes,

“Imposters” remain convinced that they are

Unworthy of such praise.

This explains why I graduated

Summa cum laude

And still question my potential.

According to Wikipedia (ever the resource for accuracy),

Imposter experience may be accompanied by

Anxiety, stress, or depression,  

But it is not classified as its own mental disorder.

I would disagree, for this syndrome

Touches my life everyday.

With every accomplishment

With every ounce of external feedback

That I receive

And then doubt.

But it’s not a disorder and

Cannot be found in the DSM.

Interesting, then, that the best ways

To treat this non-disorder include

Writing therapy and group psychotherapy

to alleviate a person’s

Sense of inadequacy.

They say that feeling like an imposter

Can positively affect career advancement

Due, no doubt, to constant diligence

And search for authentic success.

Famous “imposters” reportedly include:

Maya Angelou, Tom Hanks,

John Green, and Emma Watson.

Surely this shows the malignancy of this non-disorder,

For if greats such as these cannot fathom

Their own worth,

Then what chance do I have?